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[21 Dec 2004|11:19am] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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Pharcyde - She Said |
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The constant nose bleeds I've had the past day or two have been a kick-in-the-ass reminder of my powder-lined past. It's a bittersweet reminder, as I'm ecstatic I no longer have the urge to do any blow, but frustrated that I was hooked for as long as I was.
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| A heartwarming, cringe-inducing conversation that kept me up all night |
[01 Nov 2004|10:07am] |
The relationship I'm in terrifies me. The basics:
- The man I'm with is married - divorce papers are in progress. I've met his wife and am well aware of both sides of the marriage and divorce.
- He has a child... a child that I adore. Granted, I've spent all of my life surrounded by children, all of whom I adore and care for. But, this one I'm getting attached to quite quickly.
- The relationship hasn't been going on for long. Despite that, the feelings are strong, things are comfortable, and nothing feels rushed.
- He told me last night that he's falling - falling hard - in love with me. Between his body language, voice intonation, and timing, I don't get the impression that it was bullshit. Lying to me about something like that would have no benefit to him. He already has free range of my body, among other things.
- I can't say that the feelings aren't mutual.
- Within moments of confessing his feelings for me, he informed me that he brought another woman home the night before (Saturday night). Prior to getting her in bed, he found out that she does meth occasionally and instantly turned him off of sex. However, he still had her in the bed and gave her some lip action. He admitted that had she not been someone who uses meth, he probably would have slept with her.
Prior to him taking a deep breath and telling me of his feelings for me, I was completely unsure of how to view our relationship. While we've both been on the same page about getting attached to each other, I've been well aware of the fact that he's just getting out of a long relationship/marriage and surely, no one is in the right emotional state to jump into another serious relationship.
He's told his family (mother, father, brothers, etc. - all of whom I've met and spent time with on several occasions), some friends, and some co-workers that what is going on between us is just a lot of fun. Nothing serious. Nothing that will necessarily last long. Almost a friends with benefits situation.
I, too, just got out of a long relationship that ended sourly. With that, I've maintained a want to keep things slow and steady. I have to get my head straight with my confidence and baggage before plunging into anything too encompassing.
Another point of interest: When we started seeing each other, he filled me in on the fact that he was seeing someone else. As things have moved along, I told him that if he wanted things to become a relationship, he'd have to cut romantic ties with her. I left it open-ended - no ultimatum, no definite time period of when he had to do it, no pressure coming from me. It was my way of guaging his intentions with me.
Within a week, he told me he turned her down for sex - something that I realize requires a lot of self-discipline and sacrifice from a guy. Since then, he has not seen her. (I would be a lot more skeptical about that if I didn't see him almost every day.)
Last night, I made it clear (in a calm, logical, pulled together way) that if things are going to continue getting serious, it can never happen again. If it weren't for my previous uncertainty of how he viewed our relationship, I would have ended things last night without much of a second thought. I have no tolerance for cheating and have ended a couple relationships with not so much as a blink of an eye.
He's left me with a lot to think and worry about today. The sleep I got last night was rotton. I woke up repeatedly to fret about whether or not I was just setting myself up to get hurt.
It frightens me that had he not told me about the meth chick, I would have never known. There's no way I want to become one of those pseudo-stalker girlfriends that checks up on someone relentlessly, grills the guy's friends, snoops through his shit, etc. Nor do I ever want to feel as though there's a huge insecurity with the relationship - so much so that I'd have to use military tactics to feel assured that he's not banging another woman.
Possible infidelity aside, I'd still like to run with this and see where it takes me. There's a tremendous amount of potential with the two of us.
It still terrifies me though - how strongly I feel about him so soon, the possibility of being cheated on again, how naïve I feel for not ending things last night after he told me about the meth chick, my want to make his life a part of mine and vice versa. It scares me that it all feels so right.
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| The leaves have changed... |
[01 Nov 2004|08:57am] |
The drugs are gone. In an effort to completely refurbish my life with productivity, progress, and meaningful interactions, I've eliminated the drugs for good.
This past Saturday evening was an enduring test of that. While spending quality time with long lost cousins, I was propositioned with weed. Marijuana ... so harmless.
I didn't even falter. With a nonchalant shake of the head, the joints were passed right by me. I even went slightly out of my way to move the circle outside, so that I wouldn't get hotboxed (although, I doubt they realized that was my agenda when I set up the firepit outside in the snow).
I'm proud beyond words that people who know me now would be floored by my past. They wouldn't expect the use from me, someone who now seems to be put together finely, tightly. The rough edges are still there; I have no intentions of filing them away.
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| Adrenaline - my anti-drug |
[20 Jun 2004|07:41pm] |
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mood |
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incredibly horny |
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music |
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Sublime - What I Got |
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I just got back from a thrilling ride on the back of a motorcycle. After spending more than an hour with chest pressed against, and my arms & thighs wrapped around a my leather-clad boytoy while going triple the speed limit, you can bet your ass my panties were thoroughly soaked.
On another note, I apologize for the LJ neglect. I haven't been presented with many opportunities to write. Either I'm out of town, or I've got nosey motherfuckers looking over my shoulders every could of minutes.
With any luck, I'll get the chance to write a few things later tonight or tomorrow.
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| Fuck it |
[11 Jun 2004|04:53am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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Outkast - Speedballin' |
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I'm quite surprised that I actually made it to the end of this wildly shitty work week. Considering all the shit that has gone down and the way I'm feeling right now, keeping clean is the last thing I care to do. I don't have the energy or patience for it.
With that, I've packed my duffel bag full of absinthe, coke, condoms, ecstasy, Everclear, flip-flops, James Dean flask, lube, shrooms, skirts, speed, tank tops, tequila, and my beloved vodka.
Once I make the 200+ mile drive to the group of like-minded friends I'm meeting up with, I'm guaranteed more drugs, more alcohol, some fantastic (not to mention acrobatic) fucking with a particularly handsome and skilled guy, and, with any luck, some stress relief.
This is definitely one of those "I don't know why I bother" moments. Fighting addiction makes for one too many battles right now. Once other things in my life become relatively more stable (my family and employment, in particular), I'll take on sobriety.
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| This description does it no justice ... |
[09 Jun 2004|08:41pm] |
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mood |
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aching |
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music |
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Hieroglyphics - All Things |
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Last night after getting home from a job function, my body started throwing me for a loop. I went into panic mode; something that hasn't happened in a number of years.
The way my heart was beating was reminiscent of a trip to Magic Mountain. Being strapped into a large metal contraption and working to brace yourself for whatever may happen next. Telling yourself to keep cool, take it easy, and breathe normally. Getting to the highest point of Free Fall and being positive that if your heart beat any harder, it'd surely bust through your breast plate entirely.
Then the ride drops you without notice and everything s t o p s.
The blood stops pumping through your veins. Your lungs come to a halt. Everything aside from the ride propelling you to the ground becomes motionless.
Once at the bottom you're sucking wind, grasping for breath. Your heart starts running a mile a minute gain, making up for those missed beats while you were losing the fight against gravity.
This whole cycle went on - over and over - for a good half hour last night. The only difference was the added dose of panic and a powerful urge to to lay down, bring my knees to my chest and cry.
Hello withdrawls ... It's always pleasant to have you around.
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| A terribly weak moment |
[03 Jun 2004|11:57pm] |
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mood |
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weighing the pros & cons |
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music |
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Aesop Rock & Arata - Movin At The Speed of Life |
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Being home alone in this apartment is driving me batshit insane. The boy left several hours ago to spend the night drinking at some sports bar with some chick. Of course, before heading out the door, he caught me on the phone mentioning how long I've been clean to a friend of mine (a friend of mine that knows my "wilder" side, rather than my generic vanilla side). When I stated how shitty my withdrawals have been (vomiting, shaking, etc.) he went with his usual jackassery and made a comment about "sucking it up."
While I logically know that both his night out and his comment are fairly innocent, he has shitty timing.
Shortly after he left and I was off the phone, I made my way to my closet and sorted through my still unpacked boxes. Coke? Not tonight, my nose is too dry from driving with my windows down. Speed? That's the ticket. Lord knows I have a shitload of it. Not to mention that I have less of a tendency to over-do speed; I'm much more capable of taking small doses of it.
And with that went my all time high of 18 days of sobriety. Straight out the window.
To make things worse, I was stuck at home alone. The only reason I was able to fight the urge to grab my keys and head down to my car was that there isn't shit to do in this town. All the people I've met so far that are either OK with others doing drugs, or do drugs themselves, are fucking morons. If I can hardly stand to be around someone while sober, I surely can't handle them while jazzed.
At the very least, both of the bathrooms and the stove top are fucking spotless; my closet has been thrashed and reorganized (to an extent ... I sort of just put things back where they were); and my computer got rewired so that the cables aren't in such disarray.
Plus, I'll be able to keep some food down for an indefinite period of time and I won't be so damn jittery tomorrow during my interview.
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| Branching out, yet again |
[03 Jun 2004|10:42pm] |
This livejournal account was created for the sake of giving myself an outlet for the side of my life I don't wish for close friends, family, co-workers, and a variety of other people I associate with to find out about.
It is here that I'll be writing about all of my various indiscretions, drug use, questionable moves, and whatever compromising adventures my lack of good judgment may take me on.
As you can imagine, I wish to stay anonymous. I'll be going out of my way to make sure that my identity remains unknown to whoever happens to view this journal. If you, by chance, figure out who I am, please have the decency to keep it to yourself. Feel free to tell me, but other than that, please refrain from informing others.
What I will let you know:
- I'm in my early twenties.
- I'm female.
- I live in the United States.
I'm sure other details will surface here and there, but those are the bare basics.
If you're curious why I added you to my friends list, it's because I found you to be interesting. Chances are that I was looking at the /friendsfriends feature on my main livejournal account (Sorry, I will not tell you what it is.) when I came across your journal.
At the very least, I can assure you of the following:
- I did not add you at random.
- I do read your journal.
- I will remove you from my friends list if you so wish.
I believe that about covers it for now. At some point, I'll add some contact information for those who are entertaining the thought of getting a hold of me outside of the comments feature.
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